


Freudian Slip

by DespiteWhatShouldBeOtherwise



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Gen, Some pretty tasteless humor, sex puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22301209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DespiteWhatShouldBeOtherwise/pseuds/DespiteWhatShouldBeOtherwise
Summary: “Let me get this straight…” Jigen growled as he crushed a cigarette underfoot. “You’ve been planning this heist for who knows how long, got all the exits covered, know what security’s going to be doing at any given moment, but you forgot to give yourself a goddamn fake name?!”
Comments: 14
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

“Let me get this straight…” Jigen growled as he crushed a cigarette underfoot. “You’ve been planning this heist for who knows how long, got all the exits covered, know what security’s going to be doing at any given moment, but you forgot to give yourself a goddamn fake name?!” Lupin rolled his eyes and pulled his coat closer against the night air.

“I was busy with that other stuff, sue me.” He grumbled and Jigen let out an annoyed huff.

“I’d rather shoot you.”

“Oh calm down Jigen.” Fujiko spoke up from behind them.“It’s not like there’s a guest list or anything.” Jigen continued to grumble as a voice from the front of the line called out.

“Next please.”

“Seems too easy to me.” Goemon muttered from between Jigen and Fujiko. “You give them a name, a case full of cash and they just let you in?” Lupin sighed. Seriously, he’d run through all of this earlier.

“It’s a scam Goemon.” He explained, yet again. “The charity that runs this shindig pockets the cash and claims it goes to starving kids in Africa or something. They don’t really care who they steal from, and everyone here, save for us, is rich enough that they won’t miss a couple thousand. The way I see it, if the money isn’t actually going to charity, we might as well use that money for a real cause.”

“Namely making sure we eat another day.”

“Exactly Fujiko.” Lupin nodded and turned back around. The line was growing shorter as more and more rich assholes made their way past the table by the door and up the steps to the venue, some kind of country club. The table was manned by a woman who's only job seemed to be collecting cases of cash and writing down everyone's names. She'd just finished with someone when she glanced back towards the line and called out “Next please.” Right behind him, Jigen responded to Fujiko with a derisive snort.

“Well that’s not gonna do shit if you don’t come up with a name in the next ten seconds.” He said and Lupin rolled his eyes at the other man's nagging.

“Will you relax Jigen? I got this.”

“Next in line please.” And he was up. Everything was in place, the exit routes, security shifts, even the formal evening-dress and fake suitcase of money. (Seriously, suitcases of money? Could these guys get anymore cliche?) The only thing that was missing was an alias and that really shouldn't be a problem for someone as brilliant as Lupin III were it not for the fact that his mind was drawing a complete and utter blank at the moment. _John Doe? That's practically begging them to notice something's up. Mr. Smith? That could work but what about the first name? Count Nipul? Hell no that didn't work on the cruise. What about-_ Smiling sanguinely, Lupin slid the briefcase across the table where the lady sitting there took it. Retrieving her clipboard, and a pen, she looked at him expectantly.

“Thank you, and your name sir?”

_Okay, need a name. No big deal, it just needs to be a believable name that doesn’t stand out._

“Right.” He said, the smile still plastered on his face. “My name…” He trailed off, racked his brain, and felt his stomach promptly drop when he realized that he was still drawing a complete blank. A name. He just needed a name. One single fake name stood between him, his crew, and millions of dollars. Shit and this was supposed to be an easy job. Get in, get the money, get out, get drunk and celebrate with the crew a bit later, maybe pull Fujiko away for some alone time and-

“Sir?”

“Ben Dover!” The name slipped out and Lupin fought desperately against the urge to drag his hands down his face as he felt his soul curl up a little bit in shame. Ben Dover? Really? Behind him, he could hear the distinct sound of Fujiko and Goemon sighing in annoyance while he was pretty sure Jigen slapped a palm across his face.

“Ben Dover?” The lady at the table looked a bit confused.

“Yep.” Well, he’d made it this far. Might as well go all the way, so to speak. “Benjamin Dover.” The woman looked at him carefully over the rim of her glasses and Lupin felt the sweat start to pour down his back. _Shit shit shit she's onto me she caught onto the pun and there is no way that she's going to buy it._ A second later, the woman jotted something down on her clipboard and gestured towards a table full of blank name tags and markers.

“Thank you for your contribution Mr. Dover.” She smiled and turned back towards the line. “Next please.”

 _Holy shit she actually bought it..._ Lupin thought, relieved as he scribbled the name on the sticker. Still... Ben Dover wasn't really the best alias to go by. It drew too much attention, wasn't really that believable, and most people heard the joke somewhere before. That being said, it would be even more suspicious if he went back to the desk and told the woman that he'd given her the wrong name. Plus, he'd be back to square one trying to think of a new one on the spot. So he’d have to go by Ben Dover for the rest of the night. Okay, fine. No biggie. He was Lupin the Third. He was the World’s Greatest Thief and Master of Disguise and there was no way he was going to lose his composure over a juvenile innuendo.

“And your name sir?”

“Richard Myaz. My friends call me Dick.” Lupin choked on his breath and felt his shoulders shake violently as he struggled to keep his laughter firmly contained within his lungs.

“Very well, Dick Myaz.” The woman replied as she wrote. “Thank you for your contribution. Next please.” Jigen slid next to Lupin, reaching for a blank name tag and pulling the marker out of Lupin's fingers.

“Dick Myaz?” Lupin asked, still trying not to giggle. "Really?"

“Your’s isn’t much better, Ben.” Jigen replied as Goemon finished handing over his money.

“Thank you. And your name sir?”

“Last name Shun, first name Eric.”

“Eric Shun…” The woman muttered as Lupin and Jigen most definitely did not dissolve into fits of barely concealed laughter. It was close, but they somehow managed to keep it together. “Thank you, sir. Next please?” Goemon nodded sternly and joined Lupin and Jigen at the nametags.

“Don’t be so stiff Eric.” Lupin grinned and drove an elbow into Goemon’s ribs.

"I still don't know how she hasn't picked up on anything..." Goemon muttered as he pinned the name tag to his jacket. Meanwhile, Fujiko strode up to the table. She gave an annoyed glare to the men before covering it up with a civil smile directed at the lady.

“Thank you, and your name please?” Fujiko hesitated, glancing between the woman at the desk and the expectant grins on Lupin and Jigen and even Goemon sported a small, wry grin that seemed to say "you might as well." With a resigned sigh and a slump of her shoulders, Fujiko accepted her inevitable fate.

“Anita Mandalay.” She replied quietly and they nearly ruined it by dissolving into another fit of laughter.

“Thank you Ms. Mandalay.” Fujiko nodded primly and promptly ignored the three thieves struggling to keep straight faces as she made her way over to the nametags.

“So, Ms. Mandelay…” Lupin crooned as he slid an arm around her shoulders. Without missing a beat, she shoved it off and slapped the nametag on her dress.

“Oh shut up Mr. Dover.” She replied before looping her arms between Jigen and Goemon’s with a posh smile. “Mr. Shun, Mr. Myaz, shall we head inside?” Goemon simply nodded while Jigen gave a short bark of laughter before glancing over his shoulder to call back to Lupin.

“C’mon Ben, don’t want to be late.” The job could probably go down the drain, hell it almost had, and his whole crew, himself included, had the maturity of horny teenagers. And yet, Lupin couldn't resist giving another snicker as he hurried up the steps to join them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pops joins the party...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said there would be a part 2 and I meant it!

Below in the ballroom, various patrons and the upper crust of society danced and drank, engaging in conversation about business and the stock market and the economy and all manner of stuffy topics. Thankfully, they were so preoccupied with brown-nosing each other that no one noticed the four figures laden down with bulging duffle-bags darting along the balcony of the second floor.

“Okay,” Jigen muttered. “That was easier than I thought.” Lupin rolled his eyes, still grinning as he got to work on the window. He would not rub it in, would not be the immature asshole, he would let it slide… Fuck that…

“Told you so.” He kept working on the window’s locks, pausing briefly to take stock of his team. Everyone was accounted for, Fujiko was still on their side (for now) and Goemon… Was staring at the bags stuffed full of money looking oddly sullen. “What’s eating you Goemon?”

“I’m still apprehensive about stealing from a charity.” The samurai replied and Lupin rolled his eyes before returning his attention to the window.

“We already told you it’s a scam Goemon.” Jigen told him and Lupin heard him give the other man a slap on the shoulder. “Don’t worry too much about it.” Fujiko took a moment to join in.

“Besides, if you really want to make amends, just donate it to a legit charity.” Goemon’s lack of response indicated that he was satisfied with the answer. Good, hopefully they wouldn’t encounter any more hiccups tonight. Now if only this window would cooperate… It seemed his prayers were answered as the locks clicked and the window swung open.

“And away we go!” He grins and motions for Jigen. The gunman started walking towards the window, pulling something out of the holster concealed in his jacket when the sound of doors banging open filled the hall, accompanied by the booming voice they all knew and loved but were not expecting to hear tonight.

“Close off all the exits! They’re not getting away!” The four thieves ducked down behind the railing and peered down towards the ballroom floor.

“Oh shit it’s Pops!” And so it was. Zenigata was standing in the middle of the dance floor, bellowing orders as usual. Up in the balcony, Jigen shot a withering glare towards Lupin.

“I thought you weren’t tipping him off this time.” He hissed.

“I wasn’t.”

“How did he know we were-” Goemon cut off abruptly as all three men turned their heads to direct their animosity towards Fujiko.

“In my defense…” She muttered, still eyeing the ballroom below. “He showed up far too early...” The men groaned in response. Of course. They should have seen it coming from the get-go. Lupin was the first to put his focus back on the job. So Zenigata showed up. Whatever. They could still get out of here.

“Jigen,” He whispered. “You still have that rope gun, right?”

“Right here.” The gunman nodded and pulled the aforementioned gun from beneath his jacket. Nodding, Lupin motioned over to the now opened window. He and Jigen shuffled over, poking their heads out into the cool night air and eyeing the surrounding city, looking for…

“That building.” Lupin whispered and pointed it out. “Try to aim right above the Mercedes.” Jigen nodded and stuck the barrel out the window, lining up the shot before stopping and waiting. A few seconds passed and Lupin was about to ask Jigen just what he was waiting for when Zenigata’s voice rang out from below.

“No this is not a prank!” And the shot rang out, partially obscured by Zenigata’s ongoing tirade and across the street, Lupin could just make out the image of the end of the hook embedding itself into the wall right above the Mercedes. On target as always. Lupin glanced back to see Goemon and Fujiko right where he’d left them, keeping an eye on Pops and staying quiet.

“Pssst!” Their heads whipped around and Lupin gestured towards the bags on the ground (all still accounted for thank goodness.) It was a fairly simple setup with the ropes and the hook and as a result, it only took a few seconds to get everything set up. In almost no time at all, the duffle bags loaded down with their latest haul were sailing through the air, rope looped through their handles, and coming to a stop right above the getaway car. Like clockwork. Before he knew it, the last bag had gone through the window and Lupin was getting ready to follow it. Of course, that was about the time the whole thing nearly fell apart. And of course, it had been kickstarted by Fujiko.

“Whatever happened to ‘Ladies first?’” Lupin rolled his eyes and turned around to answer.

“Fujiko, you already bought Pops here.”

“So?”

“So if I let you go first, then you’re just going to cut the rope and leave us stranded here while you drive off with the loot.”

“Why I would never-”

“I told you!” The shout made them all jump and turn back towards the ballroom. Pops had really hit his stride and was getting to the point. “We have reason to suspect that this event is being targeted by the notorious thief Lupin the Third! Now get me your guest list!”

“Oh no…” Jigen groaned and Lupin turned around, one foot out the window. If he was fast enough, he might make it out before Pops ruined everything. If he could only hurry up and-

“If you have any information about the following guests, please come forward.” Too late. Zenigata cleared his throat and began to read. “Ben Dover! Dick Myaz! Eric Shun! and Anita Mandelay!” The ballroom went silent. No one came forward, no one spoke up. And on the second floor balcony, Lupin clapped a hand over his mouth so tight that his fingers dug into his cheeks. Beside him, Jigen had slid his hat over his face, shoulders shaking. Goemon had his eyes closed and looked and was muttering something about how he “must transcend” or something like that. And Fujiko…

Fujiko wasn’t doing much better, looking like she was about to burst. Still, she managed to glare at all of them and mutter a vitriolic “Don’t you dare…” They might have made it out of there without alerting Pops or anyone else. Unfortunately, the patrons decided to ask some questions.

“Who was that second guy again?”

“Huh? Oh! Dick Myaz!” Pops bellowed back at the man as an aged older woman came forward.

“I’m sorry sir, what was that last name?” She asked. Ever the dutiful officer, Zenigata responded.

“Mandelay.”

“Could you speak up sir?”

“Mandelay! Anita Mandelay!”

And that was all it took. They could handle having to deal with stupid aliases the entire night just fine…

But hearing Pops holler “Anita Mandelay” at the top of his lungs…

Fujiko broke first, trying to stifle her giggles with a hand before just giving up and throwing her head back, laughter cascading out of her mouth. Any other time, Jigen might have called her out on it, but he was too busy doubled over, one hand on the wall, the other over his stomach and just wheezing. Goemon had given up on transcendence and simply leaned back against the railing, shoulders shaking. And Lupin? He damn near fell out the window. Luckily for him, he’d had the presence of mind to throw himself in the opposite direction and soon found himself leaning over the railing as he just lost it.

“There you are!” Zenigata bellowed as the four thieves caught his attention. Wiping a tear from his eyes, Lupin grinned down at Pops and gave him a wink.

“Well Pops, I’d love to help you out with your love life, but we gotta get going!” And before Zenigata could even begin to wrap his mind around what Lupin was getting at, he was running for the window. The best thing about black tie events was that the aforementioned ties could be used as excellent improvised ziplines if the need arose. Or if one didn’t actually have a black-tie, Fujiko’s mink worked just as well. So things hadn’t gone exactly to plan tonight, what with the whole name issue and Zenigata showing up, but Lupin wasn’t complaining. After all, he’d wound up behind the wheel of the Mercedes, Goemon and Fujiko sitting behind him, and a well-placed bullet from Jigen severed the rope and sent the duffle bags tumbling into the car before it sped off. A lovely night indeed.

And on top of all that, the image of Zenigata yelling “Dick Myaz” and “Anita Mandelay” at the top of his lungs was certainly one that none of them would be forgetting anytime soon…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a plus side of practicing Social Distancing is that I now have time to work on most of my fics as much as I want. And the end result, a fic-bomb! Special thanks go out to iSaphura, thisislegit, and VampireNaomi for their comments on the last chapter. Thanks to those of you who left Kudos as well! And I'll finish this out with the following message: Stay safe, stay healthy, and don't forget to take care of yourself! Thanks again for reading until the end!

**Author's Note:**

> I was not there to witness this happen, but legend has it in my old high school that a group of students reported a lost lunchbox to the office one day as a senior prank. The secretary, in the raspiest voice you can imagine, then got on the intercom and announced to the entire school, and I quote, "Ben Dover could you please come to the front office? Ben Do- Wait a minute..." before she cut herself off and you could hear the entire school just burst out laughing. Years later, I was reminiscing about my high school days when this idea popped into my head about the crew robbing a posh, high-end joint, somehow winding up using sex puns as aliases and the jokes just going right over everyone else's heads. I hope you enjoy!


End file.
